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Gloria calls P-Noy


After ex-prez Gloria Macapagal Arroyo was granted bail in her election sabotage case, she called President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III.  Their conversation went as follows:

P-Noy: Hello, this is President P-Noy speaking.  Who is this?

Gloria: Hoy, P-Noy!  This is Gloria.

P-Noy: Gloria… who?

Gloria: Aba! Eh, sino pa?  This is former President and Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.

P-Noy: Huh? Is this some kind of a joke?  Gloria is in detention!

Gloria: Not anymore.  Judge Mupas granted me a P1-million bail.

P-Noy:  Well, I have to verify that.  But why are you calling?

Gloria: This is just a courtesy phone call since I cannot go to Malacanang personally anymore.

P-Noy:  Courtesy?  Well, what can I do for you?

Gloria:  I want to make three personal requests, kung puwede lang.

P-Noy: If it’s within my power, okey lang.  What are your requests, ba?

Gloria: First, can you put my picture back on the wall in Malacanang?  I’m a former President; therefore, I’m entitled to have my picture on the wall just like other former Presidents.

P-Noy:  I don’t mind doing that but a lot of people said that you don’t deserve it because fake President ka daw!  You stole the presidency twice, sabi da!

Gloria: Anong peke?  Hoy, watch what you’re saying Peenoy!

P-Noy:  Okay, okay.  I’ll do it for you, Gloria.

Gloria:  Second, I haven’t received my pork barrel yet.  When are you going to release it?

P-Noy: Well, there is a hold order on your pork barrel, Gloria.  I can’t release it.

Gloria: What hold order?

P-Noy: You haven’t submitted all the necessary documents required for the release of your pork barrel.

Gloria:  Could you do something about it, P-Noy?

P-Noy:  My hands and feet are tied, Gloria.  Sorry.

Gloria: Ikaw, talaga.  Grrrrr…..

P-Noy:  Maybe I can do something about it in a few days, okay?  What’s your third request?

Gloria: Well, I found out that while I was in detention my husband was gallivanting!

P-Noy: What do you expect him to do?  Watch old movies 15 hours a day?

Gloria: That’s what I’ve been doing for the eight months I was in detention!

P-Noy: What do you want me to do with your husband?

Gloria: Maybe arrest him for some plunder charges and detain at the New Bilibid Penitentiary in Muntinglupa.

P-Noy: But I can’t do that without any evidence.

Gloria: Well, how about the chopper scam?

P-Noy:  I don’t know the status of that case, Gloria.  Wait a minute… Something is coming out of the fax machine.  Hold on…  Hmm…

Gloria: Hmm… what?

P-Noy: Well, I have good news and bad news.  Which one do you want to hear first?

Gloria: Let’s hear the good news first.

P-Noy: There is a warrant for the arrest of your husband on the chopper scam case.

Gloria: That’s fantastic!  I hope that two-timer will rot in jail!  What’s the bad news?

P-Noy:  I don’t think you want to hear the bad news, Gloria.

Gloria: Let’s hear it, P-Noy. I’m a big girl.  I can take the bad news.

P-Noy: Well… ah… umm… I’m afraid you have to go back to detention.  In Muntinglupa this time.

Gloria:  What?  I posted my P1-million bail already!

P-Noy: That’s correct.  But the anti-graft court — the Sandiganbayan —  issued a warrant for your arrest for the plunder complaint against you for the misuse of P360 million in Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office funds.  I believe the sheriff is on his way to serve you the arrest warrant.  But don’t worry; I’ll make sure that your cell will be next to your husband’s cell.  You can then keep an eye on him.  Hehehe…

Gloria: Walang hiya!

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction.  Any similarities to real characters are coincidental.  This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.


By: Perry Diaz

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